Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Breaking news:
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
i dont have time for this
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Catering service
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not