this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.