Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
584.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.