@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

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@TheBoydP

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

@vladyhh

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@peaceintruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@xysist

Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”