Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.


tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead


Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”


I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.


Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.


First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?


*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”