SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Just this preview of the story is enough
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.