“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
doctor: and how about this?
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
good work, everybody