@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

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@Reverend_Scott

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

@KKAlThani

I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@blahdevivre

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

@HatfieldAnne

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

@Kobykincaid

One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@WheelTod

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@lecalabara

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.