Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.


McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.


Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.


microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both


doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom


The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?