@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

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@AddledPixie

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

@KhrisWarhol

McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.

@Donna_McCoy

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

@mister_blank

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

@samreich

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

@BoomBoomBetty

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?