Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.