Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
It be like that sometimes 😆
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.