HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions
ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My wife: “What are you doing?”
“Having an argument on Twitter”
“With a man or woman?”
I am confident that my dog would defend me with her life unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.
ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?
7: Do you have cheese?
7: Do you have ham?
7: Do you have bread and mayo?
7: I want spaghetti
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating