Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

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[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs


My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.


ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts


before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’


“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride


My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”


I am confident that my dog would defend me with her life unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.


ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?


7: I want spaghetti


Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.


Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating