@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

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@TheHyyyype

[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs

@Scarlet_Rose67

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

@roxiqt

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

@carbsley

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”

@SudsBitches

I am confident that my dog would defend me with her life unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.

@skwunt

ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

7: I want spaghetti

@LetMeStart

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating