@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

@KKAlThani

Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

@NewDadNotes

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

@LosLos__

*swipes left*
*swipes left*
*swipes left*
*swipes left*
*swipes left*
*swipes left*

Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!

@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@ErrenMichaels

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

@ShutUpThatsWho

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]