Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
You Might Also Like
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back