Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.