Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now