Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!