Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.