MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*


I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?


My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.


Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I’m paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?


Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello


I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.


You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”


You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.


Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.


Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…