@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

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@BuckyIsotope

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@SkippyMcGizzard

One of the biggest sickos in history was the guy who coined the phrase “there’s more than one way to skin a cat.” Wtf dude?

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first