@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

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@TheUnderfold

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@NewDadNotes

Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I’m paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

@hero_ofthenight

I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.

@momtransparent1

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

@GingerHotDish

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

@susie_dent

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

@archerenemy

Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…