@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

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@krisv_723

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

@kylegaddo

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@amishschool

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@RickAaron

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

@Marlebean

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

@gingerfaced

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

@TheRobCee

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

@Vodkantots

The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.

@GuyAdvisor

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.