Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

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My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.


It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.


Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.


It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.


Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.


last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.


what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off


Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.