Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.