“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano