Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
…u ok Nintendo?