Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.