Make her feel like she’s the only woman in your freezer.

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I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.


My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.


ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata


Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.


Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.


Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody


I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason