@Shot_Of_Cabo

Make her feel like she’s the only woman in your freezer.

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@JustBeingEmma

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

@Diversion50

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@AnnoGalactic

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

@ArfMeasures

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason