[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
You Might Also Like
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.