Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I can fix him.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.