“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: