“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Erm I’m gonna say no
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking