Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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Terribly Tuesday.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.