When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern
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I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I need to start paying more attention when i’m talking to myself.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.