@yonewt

Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern

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@envydatropic

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

@bourgeoisalien

I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”

@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@POTerritory

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@AudreyPorne

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.