Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…