@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

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@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@Kunk7

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@dshack8

Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@yonewt

This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads