Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”


[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.


Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥


I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.


deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.


Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.


One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic


Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!


This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads