Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
when you are just born a rebel
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
This week’s mood.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.