Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
i want to work in this restaurant
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?