They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?