@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

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@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@SJSchauer

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@CYComedy

An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”