Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Dishonest mechanic?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS