We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.
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I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Gyms are full of people that haven’t found the right couch.
that escalated quickly
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward
It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.