Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.


I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.


We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.


My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.


I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.


Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people


[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.


Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.