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My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.