@okay_andi

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

You Might Also Like

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

@Jandalize

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

@pilau

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

@VanVeenB

If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!

@CubanaMama82

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

@wildethingy

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

@FunnyBison

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.