Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
terrorist: with sock
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….
She’s a keeper!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.