Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

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Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me


I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.


me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no


me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help


If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!


The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.


I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.


I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.


Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.