Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
We have a winner.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy