A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
i think both sides are to blame here
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.