Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
This made me smile…
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?