@kidnapped_jesus

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

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@SamuelHLowe

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@TheAlexNevil

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

@ItsMeHelenMary

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

@AmericanGent69

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@DsTwitz

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.