Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Um … Hot Wings please
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear