Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex