Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.