Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”