Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY