Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.