For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
accurate
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s