Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.