I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.