Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.