Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.


Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.


My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.


I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.


A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!


You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.


I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.


[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.



Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
No, littler.


I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.