make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!