@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

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@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@IamJackBoot

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

@nottheworstmom

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.