If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
You Might Also Like
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.