Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
consequences, the bane of my existence
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”