Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Worst bar ever.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
How to find Kentucky on a map
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked