Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.