@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

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@ThatMummyLife

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

@torrami

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

@Cpin42

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

@whatmaddness

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

@ohen39

“Hey!”

*thousands of people turn around*

Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.