@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

@mommajessiec

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@kelkulus

Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.