Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
just having fun
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.