Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned