@Marlebean

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

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@HeyZeus666

Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.

@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@mjkspeaks

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@iamspacegirl

[Date Night]

I poured us a bubble bath.

Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again?

*sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.

@Knob_ish

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

@Chelsea_Elle

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

@ka_unplugged

When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available

@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam