“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”


Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.


If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?


Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you


#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!


GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:That sounds right