Roses are red
Violets don’t matter.
When a woman says ‘I love you’
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I poured us a bubble bath.
Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again?
*sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam